donoteatmoose

06:29 am: I'm submitting this journal entry, as well as using both this entry and my entry from February 9 because I'm making an appointment with a mental health counselor today, and I want to have some documentation of my thoughts so I go in there with some sort of memory and perspective of what's really going on here.

My life on this campus has not only been troubled by my social incapabilities, but also my complete and utter lack of motivation. Let's start with the fact that I have done 0 amount of work for like, the past two weeks. I have no desire to learn anything. I think that this is a clear indication that I simply don't want to be here. In fact, as I write this, I have just stayed up all night for nothing. Why have I stayed up all night for nothing? Well, my lack of a sleeping pattern is probably partially to blame. Also, I have a homework assignment due tomorrow, as well as a quiz in the same class. I have been awake since 5 PM yesterday with the full intention of doing the work necessary to have success in class today. However, I have been avoiding work until it's too late. I pulled the same thing on Friday with a different class. The workload seems to be manageable (for a "normal" student), but I just don't do what needs to be done. I have no idea why I avoid the work this much. Of course, it is normal that students will procrastinate, but it seems to me that my procrastination is to such a level that makes it abnormal. Every day I think, "I have to do this work today", and "I have to do that", but somehow I never end up doing anything. Some times I'll manage to get things done at the last minute, but the ratio for completed work seems to be worse than even 50/50. The stuff that I was supposed to do on Friday never got done, even after I stayed up all night. I always just listen to music or whatever, and then say to myself, "I'll do it at (insert time)". This becomes a reoccurring process throughout the night. I keep doing that until it becomes to late to do what I need to do.

It makes sense to me that this ordeal is not helped by my overall state of disgruntlement and existential thoughts.

I go through mental spurts of thinking I need help and other spurts where I'm like, "I don't really need help, I'm just lazy. I'll get over it sometime." However, this does not seem to be happening. I have thought about scheduling an appointment for a while now, but due to these "mental spurts", I have not done so. However, I just promised my mom over the phone that I would call the mental health office on campus. I'm not sure if it's going to do any good, but nothing can really hurt at this point; I'm really down in the dumps.

09:32 pm: how do you buy cigarettes without a driver's license?

02:29 am: So before this semester began, I stupidly only placed myself in three courses, with the intention of choosing a fourth class over the winter break. (One needs at least four courses, or 12 credits to be considered a full-time student.) However, I waited until the last minute (a few days before I had to go back to school) as I usually do, and thus could not register for another class. One may ask, "Why would this be?" Well, I was placed on the "Dean's Contract" list for this semester. This is because I have taken 45 credits without declaring a major. My plan is to declare Communication, as the intro class I took last semester was the only class that didn't make me want to stab myself in the eye with a pen during the lecture (or even while thinking about it, for that matter).

Well, the point here is that I chose a fourth class (Contemp Chinese Lit) a few days ago, which means that the class has already met four times. The disadvantage that I face because of this fact should be obvious. Not just that, but the class only has 27 people in it (according to SPIRE). When I was browsing classes off of my Global Ed Requirement List, I very much wanted to choose a large auditorium-style class. This way, I could blend in when I first start out. I don't really want to be in a position where I walk in and everyone's all, "Who the hell is this kid, and why is he in this class/Why hasn't he been in class?" Well folks, that's exactly the position that I'm going to be in come Tuesday morning at 9:30 AM.

I also e-mailed the professor on Saturday asking what books I should get. I haven't heard back. I'm really looking forward to looking like an idiot in Tuesday.

Not that I don't look like an idiot at all possible times on this campus anyway. Especially since I have social anxiety, and haven't really made a decent connection with anyone who goes here. Especially since I always have to go to the dining commons by myself.

Especially since I'm stuck with a roommate whom I'm beginning to resent because of our lack of common interests, and because he's in the room for significant amounts of time. I don't think he has any hobbies besides school. Not that I have any hobbies either this semester. I did last semester, but I think I'm going to have to get a job or something because I'm tiring very quickly of seeing him all the time. It's not that I don't like him, I just get irritated when I don't have my own personal space.

Especially since every time I walk by a group of people, I never know what to do besides walk by while staring at the ground. It's even worse when I walk by a fellow loner, because then I feel like I have to acknowledge him/her in some way. The problem is: I don't want to.

All of these points, along with the fact that I hate going to classes (I'm usually late), and also the fact that I have absolutely no motivation at all (I'm supposed to be doing homework right now, but I haven't got off my ass the entire weekend) are all reasons why I hate going to this school. However, I don't see an alternative. When I first left home to go off to school on my own, I hoped that college would be an overall positive experience, unlike high school, of which my philosophy was that it was just "something that you had to get through". On the contrary, college not only hasn't done anything for me, but it seems to adhere to this philosophy more than anything I've ever experienced.

12:32 pm: Whatever happens, happens. I honestly don't care anymore.

12:36 am: well milk my goat and call me charlie!
I should probably do laundry at some point.

NAHHHHHHHHHHHHT

Boy oh boy I cannot wait until Spring Break. I get to go home and do nothing, as opposed to sitting here and doing nothing! I have to read all of this Plato crap for my Political Theory class, which isn't so bad. However, the people in my discussion section are too smart for me, I'm afraid. Maybe I'll just take Socrates' own findings at face value. That is, people who are of higher importance and think themselves to have greater knowledge usually are less knowledgeable then their counterparts. This justifies the fact that I have know idea what these people are talking about. In any event, it's pretty hard for me to take a dude who wears two fuckin' scarves seriously. B+ on my logic exam. There's hope for me yet. Man, I'm really going to learn how to play guitar at some point. I'm alright for self teaching myself at this point, but I feel like I need to do this. I feel awkward sometimes, 'cause there's a fellow I know that works in the dining commons, but I don't REALLY know him (acquaintance), yet I still say hello every time I go in. The dining commons should be open 24 hours a day, seeing that this is the only place to go to get a meal. They have a monopoly on the food supply at Umass, and they close on the weekends at 9:00. Why the heck do I spell-check a livejournal post?

ta ta

07:20 pm: mmm vault.

will it keep me awake?

12:40 pm: happy friggin' valentine's day.

05:34 pm: So it's finals week. I was up very late studying last night (4 AM) and I had two exams (one at 8 AM with the other being at 10:30 AM). Today around 4 PM I was sleeping, when a couple of my roommate's friends came in. At this point, I am not sleeping, but rather laying there awake. They were all going to go out somewhere or something, and when my roommate motioned that I was sleeping, one of the kids asked something like, "What the hell is this kid doing sleeping at 4 in the afternoon? Who does that?" I'm assuming this is one of my suite mates. I did not see who it was, but I flipped him off in my mind. Some of the people around here are really stuck-up and judgmental I suppose. *sigh* I know I don't really use this anymore, but this afternoon made me angry for some reason so I wanted to write it down.

04:17 pm: Yesterday was possibly the best day ever, but today I had an exam that I didn't even know about. Hey, what can you do? I guess that happens some times. I'll have to look at the syllabus more often haha

12:57 am: I don't like it when I can't concentrate.

02:40 pm: college, pt. 2
I sort of miss home already. I need to do more stuff, and not be bored. This is the best way to avoid being homesick. I also can't figure out how to reinstall my speakers into my computer. At least it's Saturday.

03:34 pm: So this is college. eh, not too shabby.

01:04 am: Well, tommorrow (today I suppose) will begin the saga of Dan goes to college, as orientation begins in the evening, and will end on tuesday, July 3. As long as I don't get a roommate that has rabies, I should be good to go. (hand gesture) and no, still no job. Hopefully I meet some cool peeps. i.e. they like good music and good food. I'm ready to party. Or part-ay, as they probably don't say in Amherst. Right now, I'm bored because Facebook is upgrading, which means I can't log on, and hence I have nothing to do. I mean, I might actually have to go to bed. C'mon.

03:41 pm: I need a job. Taco Bell?

10:11 am: :D

10:12 pm: Hmm..I have no idea what to say, other than my last day of high school is Tuesday, but there are so many things that are sort of "up in the air" that I suppose I can't control. Thus, I have pretty melancholy feelings as of recently. Literally every hour has been a proverbial rollercoaster ride emotionally. I don't feel like going into details. Sometimes I hate the fact that I'm a naturally shy person, or the fact that I have so much to worry about before Tuesday rolls around. Whatever. Time shall decide my fate.

07:40 pm: Next week has the potential to be the best week..of my life. The new white stripes song is sick.

05:00 pm: I'll be in Amherst next year. Cheers

11:48 am:

04:42 pm: Happy Easter everyone!